Motivation

Lately, I haven’t been feeling much of anything. I got so caught up in the routine that I have become so passive.

The motivation is just not there. It’s bad and I know it’s bad but man I got so lazy that I just ignore it.

Then my sister emails me a news clip from Indonesian newspaper.  The newspaper reporter went to a very remote area in Indonesia and snaps a picture of local kids on their way to school.

It breaks my heart and put me to shame. These kids have to walk 6 K to school one way also have to cross this “bridge” with the risk of falling into the river. They endure all that for school, to better educate themselves, to better their life and their future.

Judge by their uniform, these are elementary students, so they can’t be more than 12 years old.

Here I am, living a very convince life and still complaining. I realize that when things get tough instead of fighting I curl and just wish it to go away. Instead of working harder try to make it better I makes zillion of excuses to feel sorry about myself and act like a victim.

I vow to make changes in my life and instead of lay down and dreaming to actually wake up and work to make it come true.  

Taken from Kompas.com

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Balance is overrated!

As summer ends, my husband and I have to make tons of adjustments. Scheduling for example, Tyra has started school back in July but we still have our niece with us to help baby sit Kalia, now she’s back to WI and Kalia need to be back at day care. Tyra will also have to go to before and after care and that brings up another adjustment, budget! Having two kids is crazy expensive!!! We have to pay $1600 just for child care alone! I don’t know how others with more than 2 kids can do it, we barely able to afford ours!

Now we all have to wake up super early I’m sure my husband beat the rooster (if we would’ve own one) waking up sleeping kids and baby are another thing I have to do, waking up Tyra is easier than Kalia, I mean, how could you wake a peacefully sleeping baby? So cute and comfy snuggle in her blanky and here’s come monster mommy waking her up? Oh.. breaks my heart every time! Good news is kalia normally wake up as soon as I’m up as if she can sense it. So I hardly have to wake her up.

 I do enjoy making and having breakfast with the family though.. even if it’s just as simple as cereal and milk. Once a while pancake or waffle is on the table, depend on my mood and how early we can get everybody ready.

The first few weeks, I got to work exhausted. Mostly mentally, thinking about what to prepare for snacks tomorrow, what the kids will wear, what’s for breakfast, what’s to cook for dinner tonight. Etc…. I drive myself crazy.

Then coming home to a messy house, the house I clean every morning and every night, it will miraculously messy again by the time I get home around 6pm. My husband is pretty helpful, he do dishes, laundry, vacuum and mop. However he and I have different concept on where toys and dirty clothes should go. It’s not on the floor!

Few weeks ago I broke down and have one of the biggest fights in our marriage life. It’s so big that it almost involve elder (it’s a Hmong thing) not that my husband believe in the elder but almost. Good friends talk to me and calm me down and we manage to get through this. I think everything just happen all of the sudden the change the adjustments we have to make and it’s all built in to the point that I can’t take it.

Finally I talked with my Mom and just cry myself out. Then, this is what my mom told me “having balance at home is over rated! There are no such things as perfect balance in life and in marriage. It’s all about give and take. The house will always be messy – you have two kids and two dogs what do you expect? – and you will always have disagreement but that’s what life is. Talk it out and work it out, that’s how you get through it.”

She said it’s okay to have a messy home once in a while, that’s mean my kids actually have fun and bring the house to live.

I always compare my life to my mom’s and have the image of a perfect marriage and perfect household should be. My mom told me to stop and remind me how even her life is not perfect. Once my mom and my dad were separated, they get back together and work it out. It hits me even my “perfect parents” have problems too.

She also remind me that she have plenty of helps back home with maid, gardener and drivers at her services.. (my dream life!) and most importantly all the family back home. She also then told me how proud she is of me and not sure if she can do the same if she was in my position. She thinks of me as a strong woman who is able to manage a family life with just me and hubby and we have as close to perfect as a life should be. That is the biggest compliments I heard from my mom! Over and over again I learned from my Mom. What will I do without her?

So last night, I let it all lose, I watch as Tyra and Kalia play together, this time instead of worrying what they will break or what they will spills, I just watch and listen. I listen as they both laugh while they were chasing each other. I watch Kalia do silly dance mimicking some TV commercial and then her laugh…

It’s beautiful and the house wasn’t all that bad. Just pick up few things this morning but I have the best night ever! As I quote my mom ‘Balance is over rated! Have fun, laugh often, build memories is more important than have your house looks like Martha Stewart Magazine.” Love you mommy!!

Tyra & Kalia being silly

Sendie-Lou’s musing

Yesterday marked the 10th year of the 9/11 tragedy. I still remember what I was doing that day. I was off that day and after saying good bye to husband for work, I watch Golden Girls – Yes, I’m a fan of the Girls! 🙂  then my husband call told me to switch to the news. At that time it wasn’t sure of what happen yet, we know a plane crash the twin tower but not sure whether it was an accident or what.

Later on that day, the pieces started coming together and it sickens me. It was a very dark days for a lot of people including me. I was grieving for those who lost their life, I was grieving for those who left without a husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sisters… those who lose their family.

I also personally grieve in the name of my religion. A group of small minded people decide to do this in the name of religion, in the name of God. It angers me. I was angry for a long time and I’m still angry. To be honest for a long time I was so prejudice against people from Middle East thinking they have ruins my religion.

I have never ashamed to be a Muslim that even that day, but I was ashamed Islam connections to Middle East. I’m not sure why I took my anger out to Middle Eastern people I just do. Later on that same year when we celebrate EID, at the mosque after the prayer and the sermon that’s the first time I feel like I can let go of the anger.

All Muslim – the true Muslim – regardless of where we came from condemn this act of violence. Including Arabs and the rest of the Middle Easterner. They hate it as much as anybody with the right mind.

It hits me, I was no difference then the terrorist for having that small minded. I am no difference then bigots for being so prejudice towards Middle Easterner. I feel so ashamed. I guess I was so angry and somehow direct my angers towards Middle Easterner. I apologize for having such a small minded.

There were (and still are) so many anger towards Islam and us Muslim, there are so many hate and unanswered questions. I can honestly say I understand the feeling, I understand the anger and even the hate. However as times goes on, I also wish that people will see that 9/11 wasn’t the act of a true Muslim and bring the message of Islam. As times goes on I wish that people will and can see that even Muslim was hurt by this.

Instead of linger with anger and hate; I try to see the message behind this tragedy. It’s about life. How life is short and it can be taken anytime. As corny as this might sound, but really I am trying to live my life as humble as possible, forgive often and be grateful for everything I have.

Life really is too short, let’s makes it the best possible way, so by the time we end this chapter it will be a celebrations of life instead of memorial services.

Love always,

Sendie

Decisions.. decisions.. decisions…

We’re only in July of 2011. We’re more than half way through the year! For me it’s time to look back and reevaluated everything.

This year has been emotionally hard for me. It might sound very silly, but the realization of living far away from family just hit me hard this year. Maybe watching my dad cry as he say good bye to us at the airport few month ago, maybe the lost of my brother and uncles? Maybe now my priorities just change? I don’t know…..

I can say this that even though I live far away from family, I’m one of lucky one to be surrounded by friends who are so good to me & my little family. Most of my weekends – if not filled with invitations or celebrations – are mostly spent with them. For no special reason or occasion, just relaxing together, playing volley ball, children plays together and normally we’ll have pot luck and dinner together. And talk… we talk about everything. Giving input to each other, advice, talk about past experience, hope for the future…

Being with this awesome group of friends helps tremendously, no one can understand how crucial those weekly traditions were for me in times when I felt down hearted or homesick, especially after my last home visit. Not even my friends themselves will ever know.

At first, after coming back from Indonesia my husband and I wanted to be closer to family, but moving to Indonesia will have to wait few years. There are a lot that need to be done before we can pack up and move across the continent.  So moving to WI seems to makes more sense, that’s why we decide to sell the house. Now that we’re much closer to the big move, we’re still can’t made a concrete decision whether we wanted to stay in CO or move to WI.

There are also a “unique” history between husband and his family in WI which I’m not going to bore you with the details. Unfortunately the uniqueness is not all good just leave it as that.

My sister in law was here few weeks ago and she met all of my friends and hang out with them. We also talked to my sister in law about moving and her respond was surprising to me, she said (pretty much), “If you’re moving to be closer to the family in WI and leave that awesome group of friends, then you’re stupid. I wouldn’t do that.” Keep in mind of the “uniqueness” history between the family and us.

Forget about the adult… there’s the kids.. nieces & nephews, cousins for Tyra & Kalia. Ugh.. my heads hurt just to think about it. We are getting closer to moving time and still have a lot of things hanging over our head. This is probably the most stupid and unorganized plan I ever did in my life.

I pray more and more now… pray for guidance. I know that God will listen and will somehow help me makes clear decision.  Someone shares with me this bits of wisdom about prayer: When God say YES, then our wish has comes true, when God says NO, then He will give us something else, something musch better than what we originally wanted. If God says WAIT, then we will receive the best at the right time. God knows not to give right away but at the right time. Amien.

Put on a happy face

“Annie” at the age of 5 yrs old already taught us to put on a happy face regardless of what inside.

That’s what I’ve been doing. I hate to be blogging about my problems and sorrow and down stuff, but this is part of me being honest to myself and to heal.

In collage, I was known as being very bubbly and easy going. I like the idea of I always be the one to go to when my friends are sad or need shoulder to cry on or someone they can trust. I guess since that time I tried to keep the same image as the go to person. I forgot I also have feelings and I also human that are not immune to sadness and hardship.

 I recently find myself in places where I’m the one who need helps and I’m the one who is sad and not happy. Yet, I keep it all inside and don’t share it with anybody. I’m afraid they will change their image about me. Girl that is always happy.

 I know I’m sad and unhappy and wanted to scream and ask for help but unable to. This stupid pride keeps on blocking the way! I turned into long hours or television watching any stupid shows I can find just to dull the pain, to block it out. I was hoping if I ignore it long enough it will eventually go away.

 Finally, I can’t just keep on ignoring it. There are these voices inside of me that keep on screaming at me calling me a loser, a coward for not speaking out. Until friends calls me out on it. Until that time I never realized how important it is to really sit with whatever it is you are feeling, whether it’s depression, anxiety, frustration, anger and self-doubt when they show up.

You can try to ignore it and hide from it but eventually, you’re going to have to face the tough stuff.

So where did it go wrong? The happy girl I once am, I have a good life, two beautiful girls, a husband, a great job and I’m very blessed with it.. where did it go wrong? Am I just that ungrateful?

 I know that part of it is just being overwhelmed with a lot life changing event that happening to me recently. I guess I just don’t deal with it as good as I should. I guess I’m just not strong enough.

There are still many questions linger, but now I know to face the demon and to talk it out. I won’t let this beat me. I will find and be that happy girl again.

And I thank my friends (again) for helping me reach that realization that I can’t do it alone and I don’t have to. The role has reverse and they will happily hold my hands during this tough and confusing time.

Today is best friend day, I quote from email a friend sent me, ‘Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.’ There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift

Also in honor of best friend day, I read a quote by Katybeth that I truly love:

 “As we grow older, more friends become best friends in different ways. There is a childhood best friend that knew you back in the days; the best friend that you raised your children with over the years; the best friend you may only talk to twice a year, but it only takes you a few moments to catch up; perhaps the best friend you gossip with at the office; or, perhaps, the sister or brother that was once a thorn in your side but grew up to be your best friend. While our list of best friends may have grown to include more people, what makes a friendship “best” is sharing our most important secrets, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and disappointments with each other throughout the day or over the years.”

To you all my blogging friend, you had helped me getting through this tough time too through your post and your comment. Thank You!

-Sendie

Writing

I’m not very creative although I would like to be… 🙂 My friend introduce me to blogging at first I look at it as my online diary, the idea of blogging and how it’s actually on www is still foreign to be at that time. Since I have my second daughter, I took this blogging more seriously and start understand the concept – yeah, I’m a slow learner..ha!

Never once it ever occur in my mind that someone else will be interested in what I have to say, in my opinion or just simply read my story. I’m not sure what trigger it but lately I’ve been getting few encouraging email to write more and few follower reader – thank you! It’s amazing and it feel amazing. Just a thought that I can somewhat entertain someone.

I found this writing online earlier today and it describe exactly how I feel and why I will continue to write…

‘Everything we experience, whether happy, sad, painful, troubled, exhilarating, inspiring, or anything else, becomes part of what we’re made of. And what we’re made of finds its way into our writing. It must.’
– Victoria Hanley

Thanks for reading…..