Should I stop grieving?

It’s not even a month yet, the wound still feel fresh, and it didn’t take much to takes me back to the painful realization that my dad is gone.

Cooking, looking at the green pan that he loves can bring tears to my eyes… seeing a jar of decaf coffee that he likes so much still sitting on the pantry is enough to break me down…

Days and nights come and go and life goes on, the world seems to be spinning still… although I feel so crushed and dead inside.

Nighttime is the hardest, when people around you sleeping and you just lay there with your own thoughts…  thinking, feeling the hurt and anger again… , wondering why. If everything happens for a reason, this is one of the occasions I wish God would’ve told me why…

God how I miss him so….

Then little voice talk to me, my Tyra told me last night… “Mommy, I don’t want to grow up. “ “but why?” “Well, if I grow up, then you and Daddy will die and I don’t want that, I will miss you so much and I don’t want to be sad all the time like you.”

I have a mixed feeling listening to that. I have been trying to hide my grief from my children. I cry on the way to work, on the way home from work, in the shower.. but somehow she must’ve seen right through me.

Should I stop grieving? Honestly right now I don’t know how or if I can stop…

Then I remember “my dad’s voice” that comes to me in a dream one night….  That tells me to stop crying and to go on with my life, how he’s still around… 

For my daughters sake and my family, I will try…  I will try to grief in different way…

God help me….

My dad June 2012. Fond Du Lac, WI

The fabulous five!

Tyra 1st day

My oldest daughter will turn five in about a week. It seems like time is sneaking up on me. Last night I look at her sleeping and I just cry, I still remember the day I gave birth to her, when I used to look at her while nursing and just in awe of how beautiful she is and the most amazing thing is the fact that she’s mine!

Her famous ducky face at 10 month old

 As a parent, all you can do is trying. I try to be a good mom, I try to give her enough attention, makes her happy, filled her childhood with happiness and good memories just like what my parents did to me. They are certain things I wish I can do better, but I know with all my heart that I tried my very best.

She's 1!!!

 I feel blessed and privilege that this first 5 years Tyra has shared with me have been wonderful, she’s a very loving child inside and out and I really couldn’t ask for more. Through her innocent eyes I can still the beauty of the world, how everything is like a wonderland full of wonder and beauty, with her I can still let my imagination run wild, one day I’m the queen, tomorrow I’m a pirate, a mermaid and the next day I’m the teacher etc….

2 yr old in Hmong outfit

 She has taught me so much, before her, I never knew I was capable of having that much love for one person, before her I never knew this inner strength I have within me, enough to hold any storm that come my way in order to protect her….  I will do whatever it takes to shield her from the ugliness for the world out there.. right now  she’s still believes in fairy tale and so be it….

Tyra 4 yr old

 She’s my great motivator, she’s my constant reminder of why I want to better myself, why I’m working so hard at work and school When I feel down and almost give up with school I just take one look at her and I know why I shouldn’t give up. It’s all for her. At the end of the day, the fruit of my labor are for my family, for my child. I’m not doing this out of the selfishness of me, I’m doing it for my family….

 She made me humble…

Tyra 3 yr old

 Looking at her and her little sister sleeping peacefully I said a little pray for them, for my family and myself for God to protect them always, to give me the strength to protect them, to always be there for them. When they realize that fairy tale is only in imagination, when they can see the ugliness of the world out there… I hope they know that I will always protect them no matter what.

My beautiful Tyra

Happy birthday my sweetheart…