Sharing thoughts and struggles

Here I am reaching out….

The emptiness of losing Ayah (my dad) cannot be filled. People say it gets better and to just be strong but right now that is the last thing you want to have to do.

I do not sleep anymore either. I wake up from horrible nightmares and then realize I am still in the biggest nightmare of all. The memories keeps on flicker through my mind and then you feel the sharp pain because you do not get any more memories.

I have not slept in months I get maybe 2 hours a night. Dr prescribes some meds but it makes it hard to wake so if I do take them I am sluggish and if I do not then I am sleep deprived. It is all so messed up now. 

I have to stay numb to work otherwise I just start to cry. I hate having fun because life isn’t really the same. Normal doesn’t exist anymore. I loved my dad and the hardest thing was realizing that he’s gone. I feel like the one person, the one man that loves and protect me unconditionally has gone and leave me. That’s why I’m so fearful of everything now…

Now I cannot call him because he won’t pick up the phone. Acha have no dad, she won’t have him to walk her down the aisle…and my Bunda is all alone. Remember watching the funeral from skype and it just sucks that I can’t be there to say my final good bye… that, and all the life changes are painful and a constant reminder to the nightmare. I feel like a walking ghost.  I am sad,  I am angry,   I am lost,

It all just sucks.

Almost everything brings me no joy. ( it is all kind of weird but there are so many things that remind me of him that I just cannot do anymore) what worse is, no one seems to understand.. and life goes on..  I am trying for Tyra and Kalia, but seems like I’m going backward because nothing helps….

7 responses

  1. Oh Sendie Lou—-this made me so sad to read because your heart is so broken over the loss of your beloved father. Grief takes many forms and everyone works through it differently so do not let anyone tell you that it should go any certain way. It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one and it was even harder for you as you could not be there in person to be at the funeral. I am sending prayers up for you and for your family. The sadness is there and you are feeling alone and that makes me sad, too. Sending hugs across the miles.

    • Thank you Beth Ann. It’s “funny” how i’m always surrounded by my family here, or friends and yet, I feel so lonely at the same time. I got mad cause lifes goes on with no distruption.. but how could it??? That’s of course grieving me talking.. I’ll be okay. I know in time, all will be well. Thank you for the hugs!!

  2. Sendie,
    The first thing you need to do is ask your doctor for something to help you sleep. Call tomorrow.
    Second, you need to look at grief like a westerner. You experienced a tremendous unexpected loss and then were immediately responsible for your mom who suffered the worse thing she could probably imagine (beyond losing one of her children) and now you are putting pressure on yourself to “get over it.” Most experts say it takes about a year to process grief. During that time your range of emotions will swing all over the place and you will find different ways of coping, I walked a lot after Joe died, I cleaned my house, I cried. I cried on a flight from Alb to Chicago without stopping. It was funny…I was sobbing and reassuring everyone at the same time that I was all right .everyone was pulling out kleenex and trying to console me and still I cried. The first year was mostly about taking care of Cole and coping. The second year the lessons were different.
    You’re going to be fine but must slow down, let people know what you need, and stay away from people that tell you how you should feel or what you should feel. This is your process. Also ask your dad for help. You have already seen signs from beyond and more will come.
    Your most important take away from me today should be SLEEP. You can not cope without sleep.
    Hugs and Love and total agreement that it does suck…but not forever!!

    • I took this herbal non forming sleeping aid calls: Tranquils sleeps. Available through Sprout/Sunflower or vitamin cottage that type of store and it works greats. Its actually calms me down and allow me to sleeps. I still woke up from time to time, but I wasn’t totally awake like I used to. And I do feel a bit better and can think clearly.I did the same thing too Kb, I cry and at the same time telling people I’m okay… I stay away from people who tells me about how I should snap out of it and it’s been long enough. If I didn’t I’ll end up punching them in the face! 🙂 Thank you. You are my official grief counselor! 🙂

  3. Oh sweetie. She’s right. You have to get sleep. And you have to ease up on yourself a lot. You are reacting totally normally to such a terrible event. And guess what? You are ALLOWED to react this way! I cried every day for months driving to and from work. The whole way there, the whole way home. I cried at work off and on all day some days. I cried if people just LOOKED like they wanted to comfort me, or if they asked how I was doing. Sometimes I still do and it’s 8 years now. Whatever you’re feeling is OK. Just remember that. You are OK and yes it will get better, but for now you just get through today. You only have to do that.

  4. Thank you Dawn, I think so to. I think it’s normal to grief and feeling the way I felt. I wasn’t like this 24/7 believe me. Otherwise I can’t function at work or at home for my family. But there are dark times during the day that I just broke down and let it out. I have come to an acceptance that he is gone, but that doesn’t mean I can just forget about him.
    I guess it’s all depend on how your relationship with your dad, mom, or who ever it is that just pass away. I have known someone who just lost her mother and she didn’t have a good relationship with her (I guess) because she only feel a brief sadness and that’s it. She’s been my toughest critic and told me how it’s been a while and I should snap out of it. I think tiiming is relative.. I mean how could you measure the time you should grief? To sum up, I stay away from her or else I might punch her in the face. 🙂
    My dad left so many wonderful memories and I’m so grateful for that. Thank You!!

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