Here I am reaching out….
The emptiness of losing Ayah (my dad) cannot be filled. People say it gets better and to just be strong but right now that is the last thing you want to have to do.
I do not sleep anymore either. I wake up from horrible nightmares and then realize I am still in the biggest nightmare of all. The memories keeps on flicker through my mind and then you feel the sharp pain because you do not get any more memories.
I have not slept in months I get maybe 2 hours a night. Dr prescribes some meds but it makes it hard to wake so if I do take them I am sluggish and if I do not then I am sleep deprived. It is all so messed up now.
I have to stay numb to work otherwise I just start to cry. I hate having fun because life isn’t really the same. Normal doesn’t exist anymore. I loved my dad and the hardest thing was realizing that he’s gone. I feel like the one person, the one man that loves and protect me unconditionally has gone and leave me. That’s why I’m so fearful of everything now…
Now I cannot call him because he won’t pick up the phone. Acha have no dad, she won’t have him to walk her down the aisle…and my Bunda is all alone. Remember watching the funeral from skype and it just sucks that I can’t be there to say my final good bye… that, and all the life changes are painful and a constant reminder to the nightmare. I feel like a walking ghost. I am sad, I am angry, I am lost,
It all just sucks.
Almost everything brings me no joy. ( it is all kind of weird but there are so many things that remind me of him that I just cannot do anymore) what worse is, no one seems to understand.. and life goes on.. I am trying for Tyra and Kalia, but seems like I’m going backward because nothing helps….